Today I stopped and thought about the situation… in a rare moment of peace and quiet whilst painting a set of patio furniture as he played in the garden around me, mimicking what I was doing to the furniture with a brush and pretend paint or a stone chair. It’s not my son’s fault he has lots of toys that are scattered everywhere; people buy them for him, he’s a child, he gets them out to play with - the living room is so tiny, it’s not his fault that the moment he pulls one out to play with I’m treading on it and him. I need to throw out everything from the bottom of the box; he never goes down that far. It’s not my son’s fault the moment I want to wash up, he pulls up his chair to the sink to ‘help’. When I go to cook, he again pulls up his chair to get involved; like all children he is a sponge and soaks up what is around him. He is a visual learner. It’s no surprise he wants to get involved. I’m just always in a rush and don’t always have the time to help him do these things. I shout at him for putting his hands in the sink as I know he’ll get water all over himself, the world will not end if my son gets soaked – he just needs his top changing and everything is fine. We won’t starve if dinner takes longer than normal as he has to put each individual carrot slice into the pot one by one.
First thing in a morning he wants to go out and feed the chickens and the rabbits and doesn’t want to come back in. That’s how I feel – constantly. Why do I get angry at him for screaming to go outside, or screaming because he doesn’t want to come back in? I’m exactly the same. On the inside I scream every morning as I’d rather be in the garden with him than rushing out the door. He doesn’t scream when I take out my cup of tea and sit on the swing whilst he potters around with his spade or points out the birds to me. He’s happy. He screams when I go inside as he won’t stay in the garden alone yet; he likes someone with him. How can I shout at him for wanting my company – I’d be happy to stay there all day if I could. It’s so difficult, I shout at him for wanting me around, for helping me, for wanting the peace and quiet of the outdoors that I crave myself. Who am I to shout at him for these things? It sucks. I’m not losing my patience with him at all; I’m losing it with myself, with my situation, being enslaved to the system. I despise it so much. I am turning more and more into a hermit, happy to distance myself from the outside world… I am not a misanthrope. I like to be with people that make me laugh, who doesn’t? Humans are social creatures after all, but they are also cruel and greedy. I don’t want that around my son. I want to raise him well, to have the patience I’m struggling to find, to show compassion, to not judge and mostly to be kind. This is a tall order; we are all judgmental. It’s hard sometimes not to be. We’ve all be torn and tattered as we walk our path and those little scars we pick up along the way sometimes run deeper than we think. We feed our fears to our children making them look at this big scary world through dark glasses, but it can be difficult to see the light as it is; we don’t need to make it darker for them. That simple act of human kindness can be infectious and that is all you need. Kindness has a ripple effect. Some people who are hardened to the world may say children need exposure to the darker side of life to help them survive the ‘school of hard knocks’ and all that… I say children need exposure to those who have lived through their troubles and stepped into the light, those who have walked that thorny path and who came out the other side, thankful, thankful and happy to never go back, who would never wish their past life on anyone and who would show the smallest creature an ounce of kindness because life is so precious. These are the people I am happy to surround myself with, those who have lived and learned, those who show compassion, those that feel compassion. This world is spinning so fast, sometimes it can be hard to hang on to your sanity – everything is so fast paced and we give into that; we live in this constant torrent of impatience and greed and we act as if it’s ok. It’s not. It’s never ok. How can we build a society we can raise our children in confidently when we persecute the most needy and vulnerable in our society? The homeless guy you walk past in the street, the junkie smacked off their face in the park, the prostitute you cross the road to avoid… that cranky old person over the street. That mum with those nightmare kids that are out all hours… there is help out there for all of them, right? They don’t need to be in that position, they brought it on themselves? Society is what happened, our f*cked up society, with our selfish greedy attitudes. We can’t help them or each other out of this mess until we start to look inside ourselves and kindle that warmth, find that inner happiness, that kindness you would like to see in others. Start by showing it yourself; you’ll get the ripple effect going in no time.
For me, I have to work full time – I have bills to pay – I’ll always have bills to pay, but I won’t always have a little boy who wants to spend all his time with me… I need to work on my situation, I need to find an answer, but it starts with patience and kindness. My boy tantrums out of frustration - I shout out of frustration and then I cry at how poorly I am dealing with this situation, how depressed I am with it all. But I’m sure I’ll find a way to manage this, I have to, for him. That or I move to Tipi Valley and get my dream yurt as my chances of winning the lottery and getting my woodland home are slim to none.
Anyway, simple is key to my sanity. The simple life, surround myself with people I like, walk away from those I don’t, learn from everyone I come into contact with, try to have patience and enjoy the moment.
On the plus side of my mini meltdown time off, I tried Ashtanga yoga. Yoga is something I’ve always wanted to try, but never got round to it and the idea of doing it in a gym just didn’t quite seem right. Well fortunately, thanks to my cockerel Ripley (another story), I’ve been lucky enough to stumble across a teacher, or yogi if you will. Someone who certainly has an air of calm about them and is rather bendy to say the least. I got to try a session. My goodness, I ached so good the next day… I used muscles I forgot existed and found tendons so tight I thought they would snap – they didn’t, I survived and I now want to learn more… and learn I shall. :)
Oh and I will shamelessly plug the Yoga teacher too as honestly, we could all do with a bit of bendy www.serenitythai.co.uk